Frustration

Disclaimer: This post is long, and a vent. Read at your own discretion.

Lately, I have found myself to be very frustrated. I've always had an idea in my head of what a married woman should be like. Clean home, good cook, helpful, looks well kept, takes delicious food to gatherings, prepared for events (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, weddings, etc.) I'm none of those things.

My house (apartment) is a mess, I don't know how to cook, I always wear my hair in a ponytail and never wear makeup, I buy chips or something else unhealthy for gatherings (at the last minute - usually on the way there, while running late), and do any shopping for events at the last minute or forget all together.

I want to be the perfect wife. I want my husband to be happy when he is at home and not having to look at what I haven't gotten done. I want to be a good cook, and eat healthy. We would both benefit from that. I want to feel good about the way I look. I look at people and think "why can't I look like that?"

I don't want to feel bad because all I bring to a potluck is chips or something like that. I want people to rave over the food I brought, and seek me out for the recipe because it is so good. I want to be better prepared for any event, whether it be just sending a card or having a gift wrapped and ready to go. I don't like last minute shopping, not knowing what I'm going to buy and then having to try to wrap it in the parking lot hoping no one will notice how unprepared I am.

Feeling this way doesn't make me happy. I look at everything that needs to be done, and don't know where to start, so I don't do anything. I make up excuses: I'm too tired, my back hurts, I'm in pain, or I want to watch a show on TV. With all these excuses, I end up sitting on the couch all night watching TV and playing on the computer, before going to bed way too late and end up feeling so tired the next day because I didn't get enough sleep.

I'm also frustrated because I really want to walk to 10K at the Manitoba Marathon this year. It`s only 3 weeks away (June 21). Most training schedules that I`ve found require weeks of training (the shortest I`ve found is 8 weeks). There is no way I can even think I`ll be ready. Especially with the way my ankles, knees and hips are. This is yet another thing I`ll regret not being prepared for.

I want to get in shape. I hate feeling out of breath from walking a short distance. I hate not being able to join in on fun activities because I`m afraid someone will make fun of how I look.

I`m tired of feeling like a failure.

I need to do better, and need a plan to stop the cycle.

My plan:

-write down the shows I want to watch each night, and only watch 2 hours worth of TV (anything else can be recorded for another night)
-only 1 hour of computer time at home each night (that should be plenty of time to check email, Facebook and other sites I check). After that hour is up music can be played from the computer, but that`s it.
-when it is nice out, walk home from work (walk along bus route, so if I need to catch a bus I can)
-I will get the apartment clean by July 1, 2009. I will get caught up on laundry (including having it put away) by the same date.
-after this, I will create a weekly cleaning schedule and will stick to it
-I will learn how to cook. I have to realize that not everything will turn out the first time, but I can try again.
-I need to create a meal plan. Using the flyer`s, every saturday I will create the menu for the week, and only get what is needed (this should help bring down the cost of groceries as well) and be able to prepare better for gatherings where food is to be brought.
-one of my goals on my 101 in 1001 was to send out cards to family for birthdays and anniversaries. I will get my master list created by July 1, 2009 and start sending out cards for July events.

I`m hoping all these choices will help me to feel better about myself and about how I feel as a wife. It is not fair to my husband for me to be like that.

Sorry for the pity party, but I needed to write this down.